


what must it be like to grow up that beautiful?

by awakeyemuses_nine



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, F/F, Group Homes, Internalized Homophobia, death to mr goodkind, friends to enemies to lovers in the future??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28531938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awakeyemuses_nine/pseuds/awakeyemuses_nine
Summary: shelby and her family moved to minnesota because her dad works in group homes through the church. they are best friends. things start to go downhill when a potential new foster family for toni come on the scene.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 24
Kudos: 224





	1. are there still beautiful things?

**2011**

‘I don’t think I can do it, Toni. My daddy says it’s unladylike to raise my voice.’ Shelby’s eyes dart nervously between the pinkish green sunset over-head, the dark, muddied waters of the creek below, and the tiny brown-haired girl to her left.

‘Sure you can, just think of something that makes you really mad. Look, I’ll show you.’ Toni glances over at Shelby, a faint of glimmer of mischief in her eye. Shelby’s breath catches in her throat, and she’s sure it’s just because of the thrill of what her best friend is about to do. Suddenly, she is pulled out of her thoughts by a blood-curdling scream. Toni turns to look at her, still yelling at the top of her lungs, that is until she makes eye contact with the blonde to her right, whose shocked face elicits a big belly laugh.

‘What’s funny?’ Shelby scrunches her nose, partly in indignance, and partly because she genuinely does not get what on earth Toni is laughing about.

‘Your face’, Toni replies with a wry smile.

‘Oh…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stare you just scared me is all and-’ Guilt immediately starts to rise from the pit of Toni’s stomach. 

‘Nah Shelby, it’s just cause I’ve never seen you jump like that. I actually think your face is nice-’ But Shelby had stopped listening already. This time it is Toni taken by surprise as her friend lets out an almighty scream that she’s sure she hears echoing around the spruce trees all around them.

‘Who’s the scaredy cat now, huh?’ Shelby mocks, grinning from ear to ear. Toni just looks at her, laughing lightly, mostly impressed and slightly terrified. One of Toni’s favourite things about her friend is her smile. She often wonders why it is that Shelby saves her open-mouthed smiles for the times the two girls are alone together, everybody deserves to see something so pretty. She fears it has something to do with Mr Goodkind, but she doesn’t know why. He is always so nice with all the kids at the group home.

‘Not bad for your first try, but you still need practice I think.’ Shelby rolls her eyes before a comfortable silence settles between them. ‘So…what were you thinking about?’ Toni saw a blank look on the other girl’s face so continued, ‘what were you thinking about that made you scream?’ Shelby pauses for a second, as if she is trying to think of a suitable answer.

‘Oh, just about that pageant last weekend. I still think I deserved to win, I hit every note when I sang A Thousand Years, even the high ones! Mom said it’s cause they can’t let a Texan girl win Little Miss Southwest Minnesota, but I think that’s just so unfair.’ Shelby was now so far into her rant that she had almost managed to convince herself that was her thought as she screamed into the creek. Almost. ‘What about you anyway?’

‘Just my mom.’ Toni replied, finding a spot of skin on her left palm to pick at to avoid eye contact. ‘Gretchen said she still hasn’t responded to their letter. I just don’t know why she doesn’t want to see me.’ The young girl’s eyes darted over to her friend, wordlessly inviting her to tell her it will all be okay, like always.

‘I’m sorry Toni. My daddy says it is un-Christian to talk bad about others, particularly my elders, but your mom sounds kinda…stupid.’ Shelby looks over to the girl beside her, unsure of how she’ll respond. Sometimes Toni can get really defensive over her mom, which Shelby doesn’t quite understand. ‘I-I just think she’s dumb for not wanting to hang out with you.’

‘Yeah well, try telling her that.’ Toni says abruptly. She doesn’t even mean to snap at Shelby, it just happens sometimes. It’s one of the things she hates most about herself. Another thing she hates is her inability to apologise, even when she knows she should. So, in true Shalifoe style, she changes topic instead. ‘What time is it anyway?’

‘Oh crap, it’s 4.45. Toni hurry, we have to be back in fifteen minutes!’ Both girls scramble to their feet, Shelby grabbing the shorter girl’s hand and taking off in the direction of the group home. The pair stay like that the whole way home, and if Shelby slips from her grasp the moment she sees her dad’s shiny black pickup, Toni doesn’t notice. She’s too busy staring at the blonde in front of her, her ponytail bobbing in step with their running, and the way the sunset’s light reflects on the nape of her neck.

\-----

It’s the day before Shelby’s 8th birthday, and she is utterly miserable. Toni has been away for four days. The worst part is she feels guilty about being sad. Shelby is already no stranger to guilt, but this time it is worse. Toni is gone as part of an acclimatisation process with her new potential foster family. This could be huge for her, and yet, all Shelby can do is mope.

The day before, she had talked to her mom about it. She knew her mom was a lot more likely to understand, she was not in the mood for a lecture from her dad about jealousy being sinful.

_‘Mom, what do you think will happen to Toni?’ She’d looked up at her mom as she reached for the tub of frosting. They were on a pre-birthday grocery store trip, which is usually one of Shelby’s favourite part of the whole birthday experience._

_‘What do you mean, sweetheart?’_

_‘Like, with this new family.’ Shelby shuffled awkwardly, shifting her weight between her feet._

_‘Well, hopefully it will all work out right in the end. They seem like a lovely couple with great values, and I’m sure they will just love Toni’ she drawled. Shelby’s immediate thought was that it was impossible these strangers could ever love Toni as much as she did. Her mum continued, ‘look. I know you care a lot for her. Your daddy says this is the most promising case of everybody at the group home, and he would know! So do not worry sweet pea. This will work out for your friend, and she might finally be gone from that group home.’ Despite her mom’s warm smile and best intentions, Shelby’s heart dropped – that was exactly what she had feared. Turned out her mom didn’t understand her at all._

Shelby is shaken from her memories of the previous day by the sound of her dad’s truck pulling into the driveway. The familiar tension in her chest ebbs back into her, this strange, suffocating feeling that seems only to build and build with each day in the presence of her father.

‘Go open the door for your father, Shelby. I need to get this cake in the oven.’ Shelby wordlessly acquiesces, sliding off the stool she had been perched on, losing a couple of feet of height in the process. She drags her feet to the porch door and slides the catch.

‘Now I know you don’t walk onto the pageant stage like that, Shelby,’ Dave chastises. When his daughter looks up, he is smiling, but there is a clear edge to his voice. She had acted inappropriately and he wanted her to know it. Shelby was hit with a wave of mild guilt, of course, but also something else entirely. Something that felt a lot like anger. Nevertheless, she plastered on a tight-lipped smile.

‘I’m sorry Daddy.’ He softens slightly at the apology and ruffles a hand through her hair. As her parents began to chat about his days at work and her errands for their daughter’s birthday, Shelby curled up on the couch. Part of her was desperate to ask her dad if he had heard news of Toni, but another part of her was terrified of the answer. For all her socialising at church, and the girls she knew through the pageant circuit, and her classmates at school, Shelby was not really, truly friends with any of them. She had the acute sense that Toni was her person, though she was also aware that she was still too much of a kid to understand what that meant fully. Maybe by the time she’s in eighth grade or something, she figured.

Within a few hours, it was time for bed. Shelby and her mother are kneeling before the girl’s bed. Heads bowed, they quietly recant in unison,

_God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,_

_Courage to change the things I can,_

_And wisdom to know the difference._

_Amen._

Well, Shelby didn’t feel very wise, or courageous, or serene. But she knew she should try. Her mother tucks her in tight to her cotton candy pink sheets, before pressing a light kiss to her forehead.

'Sleep well, angel. Exciting day tomorrow!’ With that, her mom turned out the light and left, shutting the door behind her. In the silent dark that night, it took hours for the little blonde girl to fall asleep, her mind racing, and not with thoughts of what she might get for her birthday.

(About 50 miles away, another darker-haired, wiry girl is finding herself in the same situation. Unfamiliar bed, unfamiliar grown-ups, and way too far away from her person.)

\-----

A few days later, and Toni is at the group home, packing up her things. Or she should be anyway. Her progress is considerably slowed by her checking out the window for a sign of the familiar black truck at regular intervals. Mr and Mrs Walsh seemed nice enough, and so it was decided she would go to live with them for good. Or at least, Toni thought, until they realised she was a bad kid and sent her packing. She knew she would do something to desrve it eventually, she just didn’t know how long it would take.

The crunch of tyres on gravel. Toni throws the shirt she had been folding on the floor and thunders down the stairs. By the time she has swung open the heavy oak front door, Shelby is out of the car, and Toni runs into her, arms wide, with such affectionate force that she nearly tackles her to the ground. They stay that way for a few seconds, and both girls independently think that this is maybe the happiest they have ever been. After a while, Mr Goodkind clears his throat pointedly, and the girls stand back from each other, but keep a vice-like grip on each other’s hand. Dave makes as if he is going to say something, but his wife almost imperceptibly grazes her hand over his arm, a silent ‘Don’t, please’.

‘Shelby, why don’t you and Toni go finish packing her things? The Walshes will be back soon, and your Daddy and Gretchen just have to go through some final things with them. Go on, I’ll be up to help soon.’ She does as she’s told, dragging Toni upstairs with her.

Once they are alone in the room, door closed, both girls soften somewhat, but there is still a certain electricity in the air, a sense that there is a great big elephant in Toni’s tiny bedroom that the two of them are furiously ignoring.

‘Oh my God!’ Toni breaks the silence, ‘I totally missed your birthday. How was it?’ She is confused when she looks over to Shelby and sees her shoulders drop, a sullen look descending on her delicate features. Weren’t birthdays when you had both parents and a fancy car supposed to be like, the best day ever?

‘It was fine I guess, I wish you were there though.’ As Shelby starts to talk more about the day, Toni becomes fixated on the other girl’s mouth. After just a few moments, she realises what has caught her attention. The gaps in Shelby’s smile are gone. Toni is so taken aback that she can’t stop herself from blurting out,

‘What happened to your teeth?’ As soon as she said it, she cringed at her own lack of subtlety, like a bull in a china shop, she can vaguely recall her mother saying years ago.

‘My birthday happened.’ Green eyes snap to brown, and Shelby sees that Toni is not getting it. ‘Daddy paid for me to get me a flipper. Now I have a pretty smile, see? He said now God will like me even more, prettiness is next to Godliness after all.’ She forces a grin but Toni can see tears building in her eyes. _Your smile was always pretty_ is Toni’s first thought, but that isn’t what she says, instead she vocalises her second thought.

‘That’s bullshit.’ Shelby’s eyes widen at the curse word.

‘Toni, don’t talk like that!’

‘What? It’s true! Whenever you talk bad about yourself it’s always cause of something he has said to you. He can’t be looking at the same girl as I do.’ Toni knows she is raising her voice but she can’t help it. Downstairs she hears Mr and Mrs Walsh talking to Mr Goodkind, which somehow flusters her even more. She’s moving today, and though she made her new foster parents promise to let her see Shelby once every fortnight, she wouldn’t be around as much to talk to her, to tell her all the brilliant things she deserved to hear. She looked directly at the blonde opposite, willing her to agree with what she was seeing. ‘Like honestly, Gretchen tells me and the other kids that parents should build their kids up and it just seems so unfair that-’

Toni doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to comprehend what happens next. Midway through her rant she feels too small hands clamp around her face. This shocks her, so much so that she is only peripherally aware of footsteps outside her door. She then feels those hands pulling her forwards. She opens her eyes just in time to see Shelby’s face awfully close to her own, even closer than those sleepover nights where they fall asleep with their foreheads pressed together. Toni has the distinct impression something immaculate is about to happen, but before it can she hear an almighty commotion to her right. Her bedroom door is flung open, and Shelby’s mom stands there in the doorway.

Time freezes. Both girls turn to the adult in the room, but Shelby forgets (or perhaps can’t bare to) pull one hand from her best friend’s face.

‘Shelby, go downstairs right now. We are leaving.’ The little blonde girl looks terrified, a deer in headlights. This can’t be happening. She hasn’t said goodbye to Toni, they didn’t barely get to speak at all. Shelby starts to try and tell her mom all this but is interrupted by her father at the door.

‘What in God’s name is all this commotion?’ He surveys the scene. His wife is furious, her daughter is distraught, and her weirdo little friend that Dave has never been able to stand turns her glare directly on him. He snaps. ‘Shelby Goodkind if you know what’s good for you, you will listen to your mother and go and wait by the truck this instant!’ He knows he is scaring Toni. Good, he thinks. Shelby does as she is told, barely able to tear her eyes from Toni’s as she scurries out the room. Dave leans down so he is at eye level with Toni and says, with a calmness that Toni will never admit terrifies her, ‘In my 2 years in charge of this home, I have never been happier for a child to get out of here.’ With that, he leaves, his wife in step behind him.

Toni sits on the floor for what she thinks is hours. Trying to process it all, what just happened, how her life was about to change, what that would all mean for the one thing that mattered most in her life. She can’t even bear to think her name.

\-----

The placement with the Walshes lasts all of 10 weeks. Toni is driven back to the group home, sitting for the hour-long journey in complete silence. But Toni can’t even bring herself to be sad. It’s been over two months since she last saw Shelby, she hasn’t even spoken to her in that time, and how could she forget Mr Goodkind’s words in her ears that day? And yet. She can’t help but be filled with unbridled joy at the idea that when she’s dropped off, Shelby will be there. Blonde hair tied back, imperfect smile, just as she remembers her. Even if it’s just a second, and even if Dave gives her hell afterwards, it will be more than worth it. She’ll take Shelby back to that creek, they can fill each other in on what they have both missed, and it will be perfect.

Mr Walsh turns into the driveway. Toni is so preoccupied remembering their last time at the creek that she does not notice the distinct lack of black Chevy truck in the parking spot. She knocks on the door. Gretchen answers. She listens for a southern drawl anywhere amongst the chatter behind her in the living room. She doesn’t hear one. Gretchen must instantly read her expectant face, because she says,

‘I’m sorry Toni. The Goodkinds moved back to Texas. A new home opened up back down there so off they went.’ No, no no no. This could not be happening. Toni stormed back up to her old room – still empty, thank God. She was no stranger to rage at the ripe old age of seven, but what she’s experiencing now is a new level. She immediately takes it out on the poster, still taped up on her wall. Next target is her bed. First the pillow is launched across the room, before Toni’s attention is turned to the mattress. As she is punching wildly, something catches her eye. Some pale pink paper slips out of the bedframe. Toni picks it up, an envelope. An envelope with her name etched on in familiar handwriting, an even more familiar smell emanating from it. Shelby. Toni’s heart stops. She knows exactly where to read it.

Within ten minutes, she is back there. The trees are the same, the water still trickles. But the sunset looks colder now. Harsher. Toni opens the letter.

_Dear Toni,_

_I am writing because Daddy says we are moving. He says it will be on Tuesday and it is Sunday now so it really won’t be long. I miss you a lot, but I am angry at you. I am angry at you for trying to kiss me that day, the day you went to live with the Walshes. Mom and Dad both say that’s what they saw, and I know that what happened is a sin. I pray to the Lord every night that he will forgive us both for it, and maybe you should too. Daddy says the Walshes are at church every Sunday, which is mighty good of them. I am angry but you are still my friend. I will miss you, and Daddy said that is normal. I hope you get better Toni. Maybe I will get to see you one day soon. I will say a prayer for you every Sunday at church._

_Shelby_

Toni cannot move for minutes after she finishes the letter. Her breath catches in her throat. Despite her anger, all of it, at the Walshes, at Shelby, and most of all her dad, Toni also feels something much worse. She feels as if it is her fault. No, she knows that somehow all of this is her fault. Even if it was definitely Shelby who nearly kissed her. She turns to leave, but before she walks away, she pauses. Lets all the anger and fear fill her up to the brim. Turns back to the sunset over the creek. And screams.


	2. this godforsaken mess you made me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shelby makes a return, and both girls realise they are about to be in way over their heads.
> 
> or,
> 
> the goodkinds are back, and more homophobic than ever.

**2017**

_S._

She never thought she’d be back here. Her memory of the last time was hazy, abstract shapes and faded colours. And yet, when she closes her eyes down by that creek, something inside her stirs. Embers. Smouldering. She looks up at the sky, at the flash of green she had grown so fond of all those years ago. A lifetime ago. She never imagined being back here would have this effect on her. The embers are making their presence known, glowing a warm orange. She takes a deep breath in. Settles. She closes her eyes, hoping for a sense of calm, but is immediately met with a deep brown pair looking back at her. Pleading, resenting. Green eyes snap back open. What on earth was she doing back here? She’d gotten rather accustomed to the warmth of Texas, the endless summers and permanent tan. Now she stood, like a fool, in her signature sundress. Clearly, she had forgotten over the years that August in Minnesota required a minimum of two layers and a thick pair of socks.

Shelby Goodkind is scared. This isn’t a new feeling exactly. She can’t remember the last time she truly felt at peace with the world, with her faith, with herself. Actually, that’s a lie. She can. It was six years ago, and she had been standing in as good as the exact same spot as she is now. She couldn’t bear to think about the consequences of that. The thought alone was at once dirty, and the purest thing in the world. Irreverent, and holy. Since she learned her family were moving back up north 2 months ago, she has not dared to think about the one thing that made her time in Minnesota bearable. But here, now, in this liminal space only the two of them shared, Shelby dares to remember her. _Toni_ , she whispers, barely making a sound. Wispy brown hairs, wiry limbs, a deep yet hesitant voice. It’s all too much, Shelby squeezes her eyes shut, as if that will erase the images in her mind. Memories flood back, not just of her old friend, but of her father’s words, ‘girls like Toni just aren’t designed to be friends with girls like you, sweetheart. It’s not what God intended.’ Green eyes snap open. Shelby tries to scream, but all she can muster is a single, guttural sob.

_T_.

‘Have fun, girls!’ Toni raises an awkward hand to Regan’s mom, leaves it hanging in the air in a half-wave half-salute.

‘Come on weirdo’ Regan chuckles, grabbing Toni’s hand and dragging her towards the mall. It was Regan’s turn to choose what to do this Saturday, and as always she chose the movies. Usually Toni enjoyed movie dates, buying candy with change she had definitely not stolen from her most recent foster mom’s purse. But she had watched the trailer for _The Greatest Showman_ the night before, and quite honestly, she thinks she’d rather stick pins in her eyes than sit through two hours of that. On balance though, she had decided sitting in the warm and the dark, cuddled up next to Regan could be much worse.

The two girls walk up to the cashier, and Regan asks for two tickets. It’s an unspoken rule that Regan always does the talking for the pair of them when they are out together. Toni’s two constant states in adult company have always been either childlike fear or blazing anger, neither of which are ideal in polite company. While Regan chooses their seats, Toni absent-mindedly looks around the foyer. A distantly familiar laugh catches her attention, but as she tries to locate the source, Regan tugs gently at her sleeve. Oh well, it was probably nothing again.

‘Earth to Toni,’ Regan says, passing her girlfriend the snacks. ‘Are you okay, where did you go to?’

‘No yeah I’m fine, I promise.’ Toni flashes a small smile, an attempt at reassurance.

‘Okay then, we better hurry. The guy said the movie is about to start.’ The girls start walking, hand in hand, when Regan stops suddenly. ‘Hang on a second, I think that little kid just dropped this,’ she says, picking up a little toy, which Toni immediately identifies as a dog from Paw Patrol. Moving from one family to the next, and time in group homes, had given her an encyclopaedic knowledge of kids’ TV. Toni looked up, and saw the back of a tiny blonde head, couldn’t be older than 4 or 5. ‘Here, you go find us our seats and I’ll try and catch them up.’ Before Toni could respond, her girlfriend was off. One of the things she liked most about Regan was her constant desire to help people, to fix things. She’s got better at ignoring the nagging sensation in the back of her mind that she is just her girlfriend’s latest fix-up project.

‘Hey babe,’ Regan sinks into the seat next to her girlfriend.

‘Hey, did you catch up to them?’ Toni asks, clearly a little too loudly for the person in front’s liking, who turned round in his seat to shoot the girl daggers. Regan senses Toni stiffen, and in the spirit of distraction, offers,

‘Yeah, the kid was so cute. And his dad _talked like this’_ Regan says, in poor imitation of a Southern accent. Toni’s stomach drops. She feels her hands go clammy as a pair of green eyes flash in her mind. She was definitely reaching, she had to be. So there’s some Texans who moved to rural southern Minnesota, that didn’t mean anything. It could be anyone.

The movie starts, and Toni tries her hardest to relax. Impossible, when Zac Efron is overemoting onscreen in front of her, and a Pandora’s Box of years-gone emotions are currently fighting for room in her head. She is aware a few times of Regan trying to catch her attention with a squeeze to the thigh or a glance in her direction. Toni pretends not to notice, eyes locked on the big screen in front of her.

\-----

‘Hey, are you okay Toni?’ Regan asks as they walk towards the parking lot. She threads her arm through Toni’s, which is shoved deep in the pocket of her oversized jacket.

‘Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?’ Toni replies, too quickly. She winces at her own inability to lie, that she’s convinced she must have inherited from her father, wherever and whoever he is.

‘I don’t know, you just didn’t seem yourself in there.’ Toni can hear the insecurity in Regan’s voice, and a wave of guilt washes over her.

‘I guess I was just transfixed by Zendaya in the big hoop or something.’ Toni’s eyes dart wildly, looking for a quick escape route. There isn’t one, of course. Regan’s mom is her ride home.

‘Yeah, or something’ Regan scoffs.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Toni snaps back, immediately defensive. She can sense where this conversation is going but is at the same time pathologically incapable of not escalating things further. Add that to the list of things she hates about herself but refuses to change. It really is no wonder her mom bailed, she thinks.

‘I just think you’re not being honest with me, and I have no idea what’s going on with you. I thought-’ Regan lets out a deep, shaky, exhale, ‘I thought we were having a nice time.’

‘We were until you started accusing me of shit I didn’t do.’ Toni snatches her hand out of a pocket, which she knows is childish. Cruel even. She steps ahead of Regan before turning to look at her. But now she’s pissed and doesn’t even care. ‘Seriously Regan why do you always think there’s something wrong with me? Why?’

‘I just wanted to make sure you were okay Toni, I’m sorry.’ Regan genuinely looks apologetic, which only serves to piss her girlfriend off more. She wasn’t angry at Regan, but herself. As always. But Toni doesn’t have the will, nor the vocabulary, to explain to the girl in front of her that she was absolutely incandescent with herself for the fact that she had spent the last two hours fixated not on her girlfriend right next to her, brimming with care and love, but on a girl who should be nothing more than a distant memory, a girl who left her, high and dry, years ago. No, there was no way Toni could explain any of that. So instead, she opts for

‘It’s fine. Look, your mom’s over there.’ Toni gestures over to the other side of the lot, striding off without waiting to see if Regan was keeping up.

The ride back is quiet, to say the least. As they approach the latest foster home, Regan’s mom tries to initiate conversation, but is met with largely monosyllabic responses from both girls.

‘Well then, Toni. Next time I see you, you will officially be a ninth grader!’ She says, putting her car in park. She looks to the backseat expectantly.

‘Uh yeah I guess. Thanks for the ride. I’ll see you Monday.’ With that, Toni swings open the car door and trudged up the driveway. Regan’s mom beeps the horn in goodbye, but Toni can’t bring herself to turn and wave.

Once alone in her room, she checks her phone. 4 texts from Martha about some boy band she couldn’t care less about. Nothing from Regan. Suddenly Toni is filled with an urge. She knows she shouldn’t, she hasn’t in months. But she does. Opening Instagram, she types in her name. She only has to type s-h-e-l and there she is. Private still, much to Toni’s relief. Shelby has to stay a memory, however confusing, however painful. Toni is so wrapped up in memories of her old best friend that she fails to notice the blonde’s profile picture, in which she is on the beach, holding a tinier blonde kid with a little plastic toy at her waist.

_S._

If there’s one thing Shelby Goodkind loves, it’s meeting new people. Naturally gregarious, her time at church events making small talk with all her dad’s clients and donors only furthered her social skills. So the opportunity to start at a new school, with its hundreds of other kids, and a class full of freshmen who are all equally nervous at the step up to high school, should have been an exciting one. And yet, she was dreading it. She had no idea if Toni Shalifoe attended school at all anymore, didn’t even know if she lived in the state even. And yet, the thought of being confronted with her was enough to make her head spin and her hands shake. Her father must have picked up on his eldest daughter’s nerves in the car. Catching her eye in the rear view mirror, he briefly turns his head and says

‘Come on Shelb, you can do all this through Him who gives you strength. Philippians 4:13.’ He flashes a grin, and Shelby knows he is going for reassurance, but all she really feels is like she’s just been chastised. She’s got used to that in recent years, the feeling that even her thoughts weren’t free to just be hers; God was always there listening in. So was Dave Goodkind. Shelby honestly couldn’t tell which was more frightening.

‘Thanks Dad,’ she replies with a tight-lipped smile which if it is unconvincing, Dave doesn’t notice.

‘Alright well I’ll see you this afternoon, kiddo. Knock ‘em dead, and hey!’ Shelby pauses on her way out the truck, turns once again to her father. ‘Try not to catch too many boys’ eyes.’ With a wink he puts the car into gear and drives off, leaving Shelby outside the school gates. She can’t help but chuckle softly to herself. In another world, she would rattle off a joke like ‘I’m not sure you have anything to worry about there dad’ or ‘trust me, I won’t!’ But she doesn’t live in that world, and honestly she knows she never will. She convinces herself, as usual, that he just doesn’t want her to be alone. She doesn’t want to be alone either.

Shelby is shaken from her thoughts by the steady flow of teenagers trudging into the huge building in front of her. Her mom had told her to report to the general office, where someone would come along to escort her to homeroom. Shelby does just that, and Mr Young soon comes to walk her to class. She is grateful for his small talk and kind eyes, which go some way to calming her nerves. Shelby’s eyes do a quick scan of the room, and relax when she sees no sign of Toni. It occurs to her that she might not even recognise her childhood friend, it had been years since they had last seen each other, and no matter how much Shelby searched, late at night, hidden under her covers, for any sign of her on social media, it always came back empty. What does she look like now? Shelby thinks about what becoming a teenager is doing to her own body, suddenly having curves where she used to be straight up and down, and she can’t help but wonder if Toni is the same. Has she grown into those huge brown eyes? Is her hair still that wild brown frizz? Is she still wiry and gangly, or has her body started to-

Mr Young clears his throat pointedly, and Shelby remembers he had just asked her to introduce herself. She is sure she feels herself flushing, but begins talking regardless. Everyone in the room just assumes it’s nerves. If only they knew.

‘Oh, where are my manners! Hi y’all, I’m Shelby. Shelby Goodkind. My family just moved up from Texas. I’m real excited to be here!’ With that, she plastered on her pageant-winning smile, and awkwardly waited for Mr Young to tell her where to sit. Before he can, a voice speaks up from somewhere near the back of the room.

‘Oh my god! I know you’ Shelby looks up, finding the face that matches the voice. It belongs to a small, smiley girl with a black beanie and heavy cat eye. She does look vaguely familiar. ‘Yeah, you were at the movie theatre on Saturday!’ The girl adds, and Shelby instantly remembers the kind gesture.

‘Well then Ms Goodkind, that answers my next question. Regan will be your buddy for the next week. You’re all new here but the others have been round the building a few times on orientation so she’ll be able to show you the way.’ Shelby thanks her new teacher and walks over to the desk.

‘Regan, is it? Hi! It’s so nice to meet you, and thanks so much again for the other day. You saved the Goodkind clan a whole host of crying at bedtime that night.’ For the first time all morning, Shelby’s smile is genuine. The thought of having a real friend here was reassuring.

‘No problem, happy to help. And welcome to the Minnesota! Be honest, how much are you missing Texas? Did you even know it could snow in August?’ Regan had only ever been out the state once, so to have a real-life Texan right next her felt kind of exotic.

‘It’s a little chillier than I remember, I can’t lie’ Shelby chuckled in reply.

‘Remember? You mean you’ve been to Minnesota before?’

‘Oh yes, how did I not mention!? Yeah, I lived up here from the age of 6 to 8. My daddy works in a church organisation that helps in group homes for kids, so we’ve moved around a couple times whenever a new one opens or what not. My momma said last time I was here I didn’t have this accent though.’ Shelby jokingly over-emphasises her southern drawl in the last part of that sentence.

‘No way, that’s crazy! I like the accent.’ Regan smiles. ‘So how much do you remember about the good old Lone Star State?’

‘Oh, nothin’ much if I’m being honest with you.’ Shelby’s tone shifts slightly, more reticent. ‘I had a friend, a real good friend. We were best friends really. Thick as thieves, my mom used to say.’ She breathes out a smile, brimming with melancholy. ‘We didn’t keep in touch though.’ A pause, as Shelby reels her emotions back in, and brings shiny, bubbly Shelby back to the fore. ‘But anyway, what are the chances that I bump into you just two days before I start in your very same home room class? The Lord truly does work in mysterious ways.’ Shelby fidgets with her necklace, hoping Regan doesn’t notice her shift in mood, that she’s done enough to not let the veneer crack.

‘Yeah man it really is crazy’ Regan replies, throwing her hands in the air in mock confusion. Right as she does, her phone pings. She reads the message and smiles, quickly typing a reply before putting the phone away again before Mr Young can catch her with it. Shelby observes it all closely, and can’t help but ask,

‘So, who’s the lucky guy then?’ When Regan looks her slightly startled she continues, ‘I know that look, only a bit of romance can get someone smilin’ at their phone like that. What’s his name?’ The brunette shuffles slightly awkwardly.

‘Um… _her_ name is Toni.’ Oh lord. A million thoughts flash through Shelby’s head and for a while she isn’t able to grasp onto any one of them. Her first real thought, if she’s entirely honest with herself, is disgust. It’s only fair, that’s the first thing she feels about herself most days. Second, she is filled with panic, she can’t upset the first friend she makes at a new school, even if her girlfriend does happen to share the same name as the girl she has longed for for over 5 years. There’s probably loads of girl Tonis in Minnesota anyway, it has to be a coincidence. And yet, she needs to know for sure. It’s like an itch she can’t help but scratch. And that's how she settles on her final thought: Regan cannot know anything is up. So as nonchalantly as she can manage, she just says

‘Oh! How lovely. Can I see a picture?’ Shelby wills her voice not to shake. Regan nods, smiling, seemingly relieved that the blonde sat next to her didn’t make the whole girlfriend thing weird. She pulls up a recent picture, Toni giving her a piggyback ride, both girls smiling into the camera. She tilts the screen towards Shelby. That is where time stops. It’s her. It’s her it’s her it’s her. Shelby is so overwhelmed, so overcome, that she has no choice but to say the most honest, heartfelt words she has said in months. Years, even.

‘Well,’ Shelby struggles to contain the emotion thickening her voice, ‘isn’t she just absolutely beautiful?’

_T._

Toni is reminded of how much she isn’t a morning person every year on the first day of school. It should be immoral to be up this early, Toni thinks. She slinks the way into homeroom, taking a seat at the very back, of course. She takes her phone out her jacket pocket and opens up her message thread with Regan. Saturday’s awkwardness had been forgotten after a long phone conversation on Sunday in which neither girl addressed the confrontation, opting instead to talk about absolutely anything else until they could put it out of their minds. That worked for Toni, who had amassed so many fractured relationships over the years that even papering over the cracks with Regan felt like an improvement.

**_T:_ ** _m_ _orning babe, i am still not a morning person. but hey i made it and i can’t wait to see you at lunch. :) how’s homeroom?_

She taps her fingers and feet absentmindedly against the desk and floor, making what she thinks is a catchy little rhythm while she waits for Regan’s reply. The girl in front clearly doesn’t agree and turns to look at Toni pointedly. Unlike at the theatre, Regan isn’t there to calm her down so Toni makes eye contact with the girl and snaps out a sharp

‘What the fuck are you looking at?’ With that, the girl turns back round. Toni takes that as a personal victory and goes back to tapping. Martha walks in a short while later and plonks herself down next to her best friend.

‘I don’t know why you always insist on sitting at the back Toni. What happened to new year, new me?’ Martha teases.

‘I’ll save that for January, Marty’ she replies, pulling her friend into a tight hug. ‘What do we have first period?’

‘Toni you cannot have already lost your timetable.’ When Toni doesn’t respond, a slightly embarrassed smirk forming on her lips, Martha helps her out. ‘We have history, and we will be sitting at the front for once.’ Toni groans, preparing herself to have that battle in fifteen minutes when the first period bell rings. Her phone vibrates in her pocket, and she pulls it out to check the message.

**_Regan:_ ** _it’s great, look, I already made a new friend. All the way from the TX!!_

Oh no. She’s vaguely aware of Martha reading over her shoulder. The accompanying picture message buzzes through, and Toni can only faintly hear about how exciting it is that they have a new friend all the way from Texas. By the time Martha starts talking about how pretty this new girl is, Toni can only hear as if she were underwater. Her breathing quickens, she feels trapped, wishing for once she had sat somewhere closer to the door. She takes another look at the picture, just to be sure. Much to her dismay, she saw it right the first time. A selfie of her girlfriend, sat next to Shelby fucking Goodkind.

She was truly, royally, fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i realise that toni and shelby don't actually speak to each other once in this lol. sorry about that. it is however much needed introspection to set up for their union. i am going to try to update every sunday.


	3. there's an ache in you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a bad reunion and a better one

**2017 – _ii_**

_T._

Toni somehow makes it to lunchtime without throwing up or running right out of school and back to her latest foster home. Algebra 1 has just finished, meaning Toni is quickly running out of time to make her great escape. Martha is somehow not at all suspicious despite her best friend’s erratic behaviour all morning – she’s probably just chalking it up to first day of school exhaustion.

‘Toni, how can there possibly be anything you might need from your locker? You literally only got the combo this morning. And it’s lunchtime. Come on, normally you are punching kids out the way in the lunch line by now. Let’s go.’ With that, Martha grabs Toni’s jacket sleeve, and pulls her in the direction of the cafeteria. Toni’s heart is racing. As soon as she walks in, she spots Regan and her trademark black beanie. She’s alone.

‘Oh thank God’ Toni can’t help but exhale under her breath. Mercifully, Martha doesn’t hear. Maybe Shelby has already ditched Regan, running away from the gay. With any luck, Toni thinks, she’ll be able to avoid those green eyes, never have to think about her smile or her perfect blonde ponytail, or the silver cross dangling from her neck, a new addition since Toni had last seen her, which she’d noticed in Regan’s selfie.

‘Where’s your new friend?’ Martha asks as soon as she and Toni have taken their seats at the lunch table. ‘I can’t wait to meet her. She’s so pretty. I literally don’t think I’ve ever met a Texan either. Do they all look like that down there?’

‘Jesus Marty, hop off her dick. You’ve not even met the girl yet, I bet she isn’t all that.’ Toni snaps, and she knows it’s childish, but also she doesn’t care.

‘Um, okay grumpy.’ Regan eyes Toni, silently questioning the outburst. She turns at Martha and says, smiling, ‘Shelby’s just gone to the bathroom, she’ll be back any minute. Hopefully,’ she continues pointedly, ‘this one will try a bit harder to be nice to her.’ She playfully tugs Toni’s arm, a reassurance that she isn’t really mad at her girlfriend. Toni barely registers it, she is too busy staring intently at the bathroom door across the hall, willing it never to open. Or willing it _to_ open. She can’t really decide.

_S_.

‘Okay breathe Goodkind, breathe.’ Shelby is muttering to herself in front of the bathroom mirror, leaning over the sink, gripping it white-knuckle as if it’s the only thing keeping her upright. ‘If God brings you to it, God will lead you through it.’ Her dad’s words echo in her ears.

She had actually managed to push thoughts of Toni to the back of her mind. She got through her first 4 classes, mostly focusing on all the newness around her, and putting all her anxieties about her old best friend neatly into a little box marked ‘ _T._ ’ She’d got pretty good at that, hardly surprising given she’s had six years to master it.

Or at least, that worked until Regan started walking her to the cafeteria, for lunch. Suddenly the box toppled over, and all that tumbled out of it sent Shelby’s brain into overdrive. She Before darting into the bathroom, she had managed to strangle out a quick word to her new friend (God, how much longer would she be able to call her that?) explaining her absence.

So now, here she stands. What’s really scary is that her dominant emotion isn’t fear, or anticipation, or even regret. No, all she can feel is an intense jealousy. She knows Toni will resent her, and she is fairly sure that the wiry, sincere girl she remembers will have six years’ worth of cutting comments ready to fire at her. She also knows that Regan will be hurt, hurt that she didn’t mention that she knew Toni when she had the chance. She’s fairly sure that Regan will decide to keep her at arm’s length because of it. But none of that even matters. No, what matters is that she will have to watch the two of them, happy and together, every day for the next four years of her life. And through none of that, will she ever have the strength to do anything about, to set right those wrongs she did all those years ago. She was too much of a fucking coward for that.

Shelby decides, as she opens the door about the bathroom, that her whole life has actually prepared her for this very moment. Her daddy didn’t raise a quitter. He’s raised a girl who at the ripe old age of 14 was already a master of disguise. It turns out there are perks to your whole life being an elaborate act. A carefully constructed myth, expertly told.

Toni catches her eye as soon as she steps out into the corridor because, well, of course she does. Ignoring it is about the most difficult thing Shelby has ever done in her life, but she manages it. She makes it to the table, sits down next to Regan in the seat she had saved for her, and then begins the performance of her life.

‘Oh, my goodness. I can’t believe it!’ Shelby exclaims, clapping her hands together in mock surprise. ‘Regan, you could have told me your Toni was _the_ Toni Shalifoe!’

‘Wait…you know each other?’ Regan looks between her girlfriend and her new friend. Shelby is beaming, though her eyes don’t match her mouth. Toni looks like she doesn’t know whether to be sad or furious.

‘We sure do! We were friends way back when I lived here last. What are the chances of that?!’ Shelby is quickly getting exhausted from this façade. Every fibre of her being wishes she was alone with Toni, wishes she was able to be honest with her. To come clean. To repent. But she can’t.

_T_.

Toni had been playing different versions of her reunion with Shelby in her head all morning. Well technically, she has been doing that for 6 years, off and on. Just after Shelby left, she dreamed of Shelby walking right back into the group home, their friendship picking up right where it had left off before that awful last day. As she grew up, the scenarios changed. Around the age of twelve, she dreamed of kissing Shelby for the first time. She got carried away with fantasies of saving Shelby from the clutches of her father, the dark and handsome knight and the blonde damsel in distress. On darker days, she sometimes thought of all the vicious things she might say to her old best friend, trying to hurt her even more than that little letter on that stupid fucking pink paper did all those years ago.

And yet despite all that, the particular scenario she currently finds herself never factored into any of that. Normally Toni has an incredibly effective fight or flight response. Yet now, she is rooted to her seat, unable to breathe, let alone move. She is vaguely aware of a heavy silence falling over the table.

‘What the hell, guys! How come neither of you said anything?’ Martha says playfully. Trust her to break the tension, always wanting everyone to be okay.

‘Yeah Toni, how come you didn’t say anything?’ Regan says, pointedly, which pisses Toni off.

‘I’m sorry Shelby, I guess I just didn’t recognise you now you got your teeth fixed’ Toni says, her words simmering with malice. She delivers her line with a smirk that isn’t even trying to be half as genuine as Shelby’s fake smiles. It’s almost imperceptible on the surface, but it hits Shelby right where it’s supposed to. Toni watches as the blonde girl in front of her physically recoils, ever so slightly, before she steadies herself once again.

‘Well I’m glad you noticed, Toni. They cost my Daddy a lot of money.’ Shelby says, unable to think of a better response. Two thoughts are battling for dominance. The first is that Toni actually had seen her once with her ‘fixed’ teeth, and she would bet her life Toni remembers that too. The second is that she knows, deep down, that she absolutely deserves the wrath of the girl opposite. She needs it, even. Needs to feel like Toni has a chance to return the favour of her heartache. Maybe it’ll assuage some of the guilt Shelby has carried with her all this time.

‘Weird flex.’ Toni sniggers.

‘No, I didn’t mean it like-’ Shelby goes to correct herself. She can hear her dad lecture her about how a lover of money can never truly love God. Before she can finish her thought she is rescued by, of all people, Regan.

‘Toni, what is _wrong_ with you lately?’ Regan doesn’t know what the fuck is going on, but she gets the sense there is some deep shit here, and she decides in that moment she will get to the bottom of it.

‘Nothing, this is just how we banter, isn’t that right Shelbs?’ Toni says, throwing a wink in for good measure.

‘Uh yeah, yes. Toni has always loved to tease me.’ Shelby says, honestly. Toni looks right at her, and sees a misty glaze fall over green eyes. Hundreds of tiny memories flood back to both girls at once, silly jokes about pageant gowns, tongue-in-cheek references to God, which Toni always delivered in just the right way to make Shelby laugh, in spite of herself. Both girls know they are now staring at each other, and also know that the other two girls round the table were staring at them. But neither could tear themselves away.

‘So how come you’re back in Minnesota Shelby? I think if I moved someplace warm I would never leave.’ Once again, Martha selflessly tries to steer the conversation somewhere towards normalcy.

‘Well, my Daddy works with young people through the church. That’s how I know Toni actually. They needed him back up here for a group project and he said he’d miss us too much if he left my momma, my siblings and me in Texas. So here I am!’ Toni bristles at that. She knows it’s true that she wouldn’t even know Shelby if it weren’t for her dad, but that doesn’t mean she has to be happy about it. She truly hates Dave Goodkind. Not even really because he took her best friend away, though of course that’s a factor. No, what she’ll really never be able to forgive is how he’s sapped away Shelby’s resolve. She witnessed it in the two years she had the pleasure of calling the girl her best friend, and she can see already that the pattern has continued in the years since. She can’t stop herself from her next comment.

‘He still a cunt?’ There’s no hint of teasing in Toni’s voice now. Shelby looks stunned.

‘Toni, can I talk to you for a second?’ Regan says, and her mouth is smiling but Toni knows from the tone in her girlfriend’s voice that she’s in for it. She can’t bring herself to care.

\-----

Regan made it all the way to the lockers by the fire escape, with Toni skulking behind her, before she snapped.

‘Toni, please explain to me what the fuck is going on, because I can barely look at you right now.’

‘What do you mean?’ Toni cringes at the weakness of her own response.

‘What do I mean?! Shelby has been nothing but nice to me all day. She used to be your friend for God’s sake. What gives?’

‘Nothing, she told you we used to be mean to each other as kids!’

‘I know you know I am not that stupid. You have five seconds to do better than that or else.’ Toni can tell Regan is serious. In fact, she’s counted down all the way from 5 and has started to walk away from her girlfriend before Toni grabs her sleeve and blurts out,

‘She doesn’t like people like us, Regan. Okay? Her dad is… fucked. Major gay-hating vibes. Shelby does not approve of me and you, of us, and I don’t want to see you get hurt. That’s all.’ Toni manages a meagre smile, that she hopes convinces Regan that that really is all that’s going on here. She quickly finds out it doesn’t work.

‘Really, Toni? Because from where I’m standing it looks like you’re the one with the problem here. This rage of yours is exhausting. You are exhausting to be around. God, I swear it’s like I don’t even know who you are sometimes anymore.’ With that, Regan walks back towards the cafeteria.

Toni can feel a panic attack bubbling up, and something inside her snaps. Tears stinging her eyes, she turns and bolts out the fire escape, kicking a sizeable dent in a locker on her way. Once she feels the afternoon chill on her face, she takes off.

_S._

The rest of the school day had passed mercifully quietly for Shelby. Martha and Regan kept apologising on Toni’s behalf, and asking polite questions about the last time she lived in Minnesota, and everything in between. Shelby had tried telling them that there was need for Toni to apologise to her, that she had deserved much more than the outburst she received at lunch. She thought about articulating out loud the crushing sense of guilt and regret over what happened, even if she was only eight years old at the time. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

The final bell has just rung, and Shelby is making her way to the pick-up point. Her dad had insisted on coming to get her after he’d collected her little brother from kindergarten. She spots the shiny black truck and makes her way over. When she opens the passenger side door, she is surprised to see only the driver’s seat occupied.

‘Hi, Daddy. Where are the others?’ Shelby asks, buckling her seat belt.

‘Hey kiddo. Oh uh, your momma went to pick up your brother. I thought after your first day you might like some time with your old man.’ Dave smiles across at his daughter, who gives him a placatory smile. Internally Shelby is reeling. Her father only ever suggests these conversations when he’s got something to at best lecture her over, or at worst berate her for. She is desperately trying to figure out what it is she could have done to deserve this, she had been so good recently.

‘So I thought we could go grab something to eat. Hey did you ask about cheer try-outs like your mama asked you to?

‘Yeah, they’re next Thursday. Although Martha said it’s like super competitive so I probably won’t even get in.’ Shelby is picking at the necklace round her neck as she speaks. She looks back at her dad, and notices his eyes dart down from her eyes to her stomach and back up again.

‘Okay, green juices it is then.’ There is no hint of humour in his voice, nor is there any guilt. He’s right, Shelby thinks, I have been eating too much recently. They pull up to the café and make their way in, Dave pulling the collar of Shelby’s shirt up ever so slightly as they sit down.

‘Listen, Shelby. I just wanted you to know we are proud of you. And we really hope you can make a good start back here. This Martha girl sounds like a good influence. I know last time we were here you lost your way a little. I think that’s partly my fault. I was so busy with the home I neglected my own daughter right in front of me. But now your mama and I see you are back under the Lord’s true light.’ Shelby makes to reply but Dave isn’t finished. He holds Shelby’s free hand that’s resting on the café table, just a little too tightly. ‘I would hate to think of the consequences if we made those same mistakes again.’ He holds Shelby’s gaze for a few agonizing seconds before smiling and putting on his jacket.

Of course it’s at that exact moment that a text comes through to Shelby’s phone.

‘Someone’s making friends already.’

‘Oh yeah, it’s just Martha, that girl who I told you about, reminding me to bring my gym clothes to school tomorrow.’ That seems to work for her dad, who doesn’t say anything else and makes his way back to the truck. Shelby can’t bring herself to follow she’s too busy reading the text on her phone. The number it came from is unknown, but the sender was kind enough to clarify.

_Hey S its Toni I think we need to talk. See u at the spot._

\-----

Toni hears the crack of a branch behind her. She turns to meet the sound and her heart stops. _She actually came_.

‘You remembered our spot,’ Toni can’t help a feeling of joy that Shelby knew her so deeply still after all these years. Realising the vulnerability in what she’s said, she drops her eyes and kicks at the dirt beneath her feet, blushing slightly.

‘Of course I do Toni’ Shelby’s smiling at the girl opposite her, wistful and self-conscious. ‘Actually it’s…’ she trails off.

‘It’s what?’ Toni asks, curious. She notices Shelby take a deep breath.

‘It’s actually the first place I came back to when we moved back the other day.’ Shelby feels lighter at the confession. She can’t help but continue, ‘I sat right there where you’re standing. I’d forgotten how peaceful it was here.’

‘Yeah, and it’s fucking beautiful. You really came here?’

‘I sure did.’ Shelby is growing in confidence. The Toni in front of her now is the girl she remembers from her childhood, not that vengeful presence from lunch earlier on.

‘Why?’ Toni meets Shelby’s gaze and holds it. The green eyes looking back at her are pleading, silently begging _please don’t make me explain why. You know why._ Toni spares her, as she continues ‘Anyway, I need to talk to you. I just wanted to say I acted like an asshole before and it won’t happen again. You’re friends with Regan now or whatever which is totally fucked but I can’t ask you to just fuck off on your own. School is hell at the best of times. And I really don’t-’

‘Toni- Toni, stop talking.’ Shelby can’t help but interrupt. ‘God, you still have a habit of just talkin’ and talkin’ when you’re nervous don’t ya?’ Toni thinks about launching into a defensive tirade for a split second, before she realises that she actually hadn’t heard any malice in Shelby’s jibe. In fact, looking into her eyes, all she sees is affection. ‘Toni I am the one who needs to apologise. I shouldn’t have acted like that, like I barely remembered you. Because I do remember.’ A wave of boldness washes over Shelby as she reaches out and takes one of Toni’s hands in both of her own. The rush she feels when Toni doesn’t try to pull her hand away is almost unbearable. ‘I remember all of it Toni.’

‘So you remember how you left me then.’ Toni replies. She knows she shouldn’t, but she likes the feeling of seeing Shelby’s face at her comment. And yet, she isn’t angry. Not really. Thinking about how their friendship ended all those years ago now, with her hand firmly in Shelby’s, she feels her eyes pricking with tears. ‘Shelby, the day I got your letter-’ she is faintly aware of the blonde girl wincing next to her,’ ‘the day I got your letter my placement with the Walshes had fallen through. It had all gone sour and yet I literally did not give a single fuck. Because I thought I was going to get to see you, and that always made everything, all the bullshit, better.’ Toni lets out a shaky breath, and Shelby responds by brushing her thumb against the shorter girl’s knuckles. ‘I really thought you would be the one person to never leave me.’

‘Oh, Toni,’ Shelby breathes, pulling Toni towards her an into a hug. They stay like that for a while, and neither can tell whether it’s been a few seconds or a few minutes. Shelby eventually pulls away, knowing if she doesn’t say what’s on her mind now she probably never will.

‘Toni there is not a week that has gone by where I haven’t thought about that letter. I know you probably won’t believe me but I swear to God. I was so scared and my Daddy told me I had to write it but I know that’s not an excuse. I was awful to you and you were my-’ Shelby curses herself internally for allowing a tear to streak down her cheek, she doesn’t want Toni to think she’s looking for pity. ‘You were my best friend.’

‘Well your dad must have a pretty good gaydar for a homophobe. He was right, I have grown up into a raging dyke’ Toni scoffs bitterly and notices Shelby flinch at her choice of word.

‘Sorry, Goodkind. That a little too gay for ya? Look I’m willing to work on our friendship or whatever but I’m not going to change the way I am when you’re around, especially when I’m with my own fucking girlfriend. If you don’t like that then I’m sorry.’ Toni knows she is starting to rant.

‘No Toni that’s not it, at all actually…’

‘Then what the fuck is it Shelby? I get that your parents hate my people but that doesn’t mean you have to. It always used to be you reminding me to be nicer to everyone, to think about what they might be going through.’ She knows she probably shouldn’t say her next thought, but she can’t resist. ‘It was one of my favourite things about you, your light.’

‘Toni please just listen to me! I don’t hate your people. I actually think I might be’, Shelby’s voice drops slightly ‘like you.’ Oh. _Oh_. Shelby had expected to feel fear, but all she feels is calm. She is finally back, alone, with the one person who has never judged her.

‘Holy shit.’ Shelby is gay. ‘Who else knows?’

‘You’re actually the only person in the whole world who knows. I can’t really believe I even told you. I-’ Toni cut her off by pulling her into another hug, somehow even tighter than the one before. Toni breathes in Shelby’s scent, and Shelby can feel her lips against the shorter girl’s neck. Her mind fills with images of her lips on Toni’s face, of Toni’s mouth on hers. She tries to push them down. That is wrong, and not even because it’s with another girl. Toni has a girlfriend, and a very nice one at that. And even if she didn’t, there’s no way Toni likes her the way she wants her to.

‘What a day, Goodkind. What a day. Can I be honest?’

‘Of course.’

‘I am so excited to have you back. I’ve really fucking missed you, truth be told.’ Shelby beams at Toni’s admission. ‘But don’t go telling Regan and Marty that I told you that, alright? Some of us have a reputation to uphold.’ Toni’s slightly arrogant smirk draws a laugh out of the blonde next to her.

‘Oh of course, I wouldn’t dream of it.’

The two girls sit side by side, legs crossed, staring out over the creek. They’re connected by Toni’s right hand in Shelby’s left. It feels like it felt all those years ago. It feels like coming home.

‘What do you say, friends?’ Toni interrupts the comfortable silence that had settled around them. Shelby cannot believe her luck, and knows immediately she will do whatever it takes to never let Toni Shalifoe out of her life again. Even if that means being friends, even if it means watching the only girl she’s ever truly loved call another girl her girlfriend. She knows it’ll probably hurt like hell. But screw it, she’s definitely going to hell now anyway.

‘Yeah, friends.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here have a chapter a day early. let me know what you think in the comments!!
> 
> I'm tempted to make the final section into two chapters... update next weekend either way. 
> 
> :)


	4. for you i would ruin myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> toni and shelby reconnect.
> 
> regan knows her worth.
> 
> as ever this is completely un-beta'd so apologies for mistakes.

**2018**

_T._

Six months pass by, and the girls fall into a comfortable routine. Shelby starts to spend more time with some new girls who she knows through the church. But she is still so fond of Martha and Regan and how much they welcomed her the year before that they still text constantly. And of course they all still hang out together every Wednesday after Toni’s basketball games. For a long time, these are the highlight of Toni’s week; her sister, girlfriend, and best friend are all in cheering on her on. When she’s playing she feels more support than ever before. Two of them always take the same spot in the bleachers, whilst Shelby is somewhere on the side lines with the rest of the cheer squad. Sometimes Toni has to really stop herself from staring at the blonde girl when she does her routines between quarters. She puts it down as a natural response to their tight choreography and tighter ponytails, and not at all a result of the tiny skirts or the way her fading, but ever-present Texan accent manages to carry over the crowd noise as she shouts Toni’s name.

So yeah, those Wednesday evenings are the absolute best. Until they’re not. Regan has been weird with her for the past few weeks. If someone asked her to explain exactly how that weirdness had manifested, Toni wouldn’t be able to do it. Pulling away slightly when she leaned in for a kiss, ‘forgetting’ to return a goodnight text. Tiny little things, but they were starting to mount up.

Toni isn’t having the best game, but given that her ‘worst’ is throwing piss at the opponent and being forcibly removed from the school grounds, it isn’t going too badly. She’s made a couple slick 3-pointers, but she’s also conceded more turnovers than she’d like. More importantly than any of that though, her team is down. It’s not a must-win game, but the combination of Toni’s competitive edge, and sense of loyalty to her team and coach is enough to make her vow to play like her life depends on it in the final quarter. Right on cue, she hears Shelby yell ‘come on Number 3!’ at the top of her lungs right as play starts back up. Within seconds, Rachel slots her the ball and she has all the time in the world to set up and shoot for three. She makes the basket as the ball swishes straight through the net. Without hesitation, Toni turns her head to the cheer squad, points a lazy finger right at Shelby and winks. Her eyes lock eyes with the green pair watching her on the side line, and she sees the blonde flush a deep shade of pink. Everything slows down, and Toni can’t even hear coach yelling at her to get back in position. Of course it’s Rachel fucking Reid that takes her out the moment, pushing her shoulder and shouting ‘game’s not over yet Shalifoe!’ SO caught up in Shelby was she that it’s only as Toni’s jogging back across court, that she notices Regan walking out the gym without so much as a glance back. Fuck.

_S._

Shelby slides into the booth seat next to Martha and looks across at Toni, who is basking in the evening’s victory. There’s something about her old best friend when she’s like this, still a little sweaty from the efforts of the game, brimming with confidence that perfectly toes the line into cockiness, that causes a stir deep down in Shelby. Pride, she’s sure it’s pride. Toni chugs her drink and Shelby finds herself staring at her neck as she tilts her head back to finish it off. Martha mercifully jolts her out of her gaze,

‘That was such a good game! It sucks that Regan got sick and had to head home.’ Toni scoffs in response. ‘What? What does _pfft_ mean?’

‘Nothing Martha, I’m sorry. You’re right. I wish she was here to celebrate with us.’ It doesn’t help Toni’s case that she is stealing glances at Shelby, who looks altogether uncomfortable at the current discussion.

‘Maybe you could text her Toni, ask if she’d like us to bring her any food back. Wednesdays aren’t Wednesdays without our diner dinners.’

‘Yeah-uh, yeah. Great idea Marty.’ Toni forces a smile. A strained silence descends on the girls. Toni is on her phone, presumably texting Regan, and Shelby is furiously picking at the wrapper of her straw. Martha’s words brought a wave of shame over her. In the time since her move back to Minnesota, Shelby has come closer to accepting that her feelings for the wide-eyed wild-haired girl from her childhood were not entirely friendly, but sometimes the sheer force of her physical attraction still shocked and appalled her. So to also be reminded that the object of her affection was already taken, by a girl who had showed nothing but kindness to her since Day One, made her feel just awful.

‘Double bacon cheeseburger and dirty fries?’ the waitress breaks the silence. As soon as her meal is within grabbing distance Toni starts shovelling it into her. It’s common knowledge that food is Toni’s greatest love. Less widely-known is just how scarce food is for her most days. Neither girl can quite remember when in the past few months this particular tradition started, but now after every game Shelby treats Toni to dinner. They joke that she always deserves it, either as congratulations or commiserations. Martha was shocked at first that Toni lets this new girl from Texas buy her things, that it doesn’t clash with Toni’s strong sense of pride. She also notices that it clearly bothers Regan. But Martha doesn’t say anything – Toni is her sister and seems happier than she ever has since they met aged 9. She isn’t going to jeopardise that in a hurry.

‘Hey Shelb, want a fry?’ Toni offers. Shelby has been hardcore staring at Toni’s food for the past few minutes, not ordering anything herself. Unfortunately for her, she’s in the ‘cutting’ phase of her diet plan in preparation for an upcoming pageant. Her dad was insistent she win this one. Something about a major donor being on the judging panel, and a potential donation on the way. He had actually been surprisingly okay at Shelby’s rekindled friendship with Toni, although she knew she largely had Martha to thank for that. It was literally impossible not to love that girl and anyone in a 6 foot radius of her just looked better by some weird sort of positivity osmosis. Whatever, it had worked on Dave that one time they bumped into Marty and Toni at the mall. That is to say, he hadn’t tore a strip of Shelby for hanging out with Toni, and they now awkwardly avoided any and all discussions of her. All that to say, Shelby really feels like she owes him this pageant win, and the diet plan he created that comes with it. But she is _starving_. Almost as if she can read her mind, Toni continues ‘come on, just one fry. It looks sooooo tasty and- wait, can you hear that?’ Toni cups her ear and leans into the table. ‘Oh you want Shelby to eat you? It would make you the happiest potato on earth if she chose you?’ Toni looks back up at Shelby who tries to roll her eyes but can’t stop herself from laughing. ‘How can you deny that?’

‘You are such an idiot, you know that right?’ Shelby replies, but she takes the fry nonetheless. She will never admit how good it tastes, but her face gives it away. She looks up at Toni as she takes her thumb in her mouth to clean off the cheese that remained there. It isn’t intentional but the look in Toni’s eyes as they meet her own sends a wave of heat through her body, from her core outwards. Shelby thinks the whole situation can’t possibly get any more intense-she already feels fit to burst- but then Toni leans over the table and brushes her thumb against her chin.

‘You-um, you had a bit of mustard. I just thought I’d-’

‘Oh, of course. Thanks.’ She levels a small smile at Toni, whose eyes still look like they did a moment earlier. Her gaze makes Shelby feel like she’s on fire. Shelby feels her phone buzz in her pocket. Of course God would choose right now for her father to pull into the diner parking lot.

‘Hey guys um-my dad is outside. I’ll see you in school tomorrow. And congratulations again Toni, you played awesome as ever.’ Shelby awkwardly shifts her weight from one foot to the other just for a second, before bolting out towards the big black truck. Toni doesn’t even have time to reply. As she opens the door into the chilly February evening, she hears Martha ask ‘Toni, what the _hell_ was that?’ What the hell _was_ that? Shelby isn’t sure she knows herself.

_R._

Toni had got The Text as she and Martha were waiting for Mrs Blackburn to come pick them up from the diner. She’s been fielding questions about both Regan and Shelby for the last ten minutes.

_Toni we need to talk. Text me when you’re home and Ill come to your place._

The weirdest part is that Toni wasn’t even scared. She had no real clue what Regan wanted to say to her, and yet she knew this talk was inevitable. She does as she’s told and Regan arrives at her latest foster home within 10 minutes of her own arrival.

‘Hey.’ Toni offers.

‘Hi. Can I come in?’ Regan asks.

‘Shit, uh, yeah. Of course, sorry. Nick and Mandy are out.’ The girls both take a seat on the living room couch. Regan looks right at Toni, who steels herself for what’s to come.

‘Toni, I think we need to talk. Something’s not right here. It hasn’t been for a while.’ She waits for some sort of verbal acknowledgement from her girlfriend, but it doesn’t come. So she continues, ‘I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest when you answer.’

‘Okay…’ A wave of nausea washes over Toni.

‘Do you have feelings for Shelby?’ Toni can’t bear to make eye contact. She is ringing her hands together in her lap. She takes a deep breath in, before answering,

‘Yes.’ She lets her answer sit between them. A strange lightness settles in herself. Maybe Shelby was onto something with all that confessing your sins crap after all. God, even now she’s thinking of her. Her mind suddenly snaps back to the girl sat opposite her. ‘Regan, I am so sorry…’

‘Don’t- don’t apologise. Fuck, I’m so stupid.’ Regan starts to cry, and Toni doesn’t know whether or not to lean in the hug. ‘I really thought we had something going.’

‘We did, we do! Regan I love you. I want to be with you. We can get over this.’

‘Toni, stop. Do you know what it’s been like, watching you with her? At first I was so excited for you – I mean you two were BEST friends for years. How could I not try and love this girl too? And I didn’t even have to try. She’s gorgeous, she’s lovely, she’s perfect.’ Regan hiccups slightly.

‘Regan…’

‘I have tried to explain things away. Like, it makes sense that you have a special friendship right? She’s known you since before you even met Martha. Of course you’d be close. But then recently I’ve started to think about that letter she wrote you. And why it bothered you so much. You loved her even then, didn’t you?’ Both girls are crying now.

‘Regan, I promise nothing has happened between us at all. Shelby isn’t even gay I don’t think and besides I would never-’ Regan cuts off Toni’s ramblings by grabbing her hands.

‘Toni, I know, okay? I know.’ She forces a smile at her girlfriend. ‘I never even thought that. I know you Toni and you are so _good_. And we were good. This fucking hurts like hell but we will both get through it. Trust me Toni I have been thinking about this for a while now.’

‘So, like what does this mean?’ Toni knows it’s over, but she doesn’t want to think about her life without Regan.

‘I love you Toni, but I love myself too. I won’t share you. I can’t. And I know that I can never have you fully anymore. Not now she’s back. I can’t ask you to cut her out, it wouldn’t be right. I deserve someone who just wants me wholly.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Toni knows that’s a pathetic response but it’s all she can think to say.

‘I want you to know I’m not angry. And maybe one day we will even be able to laugh about this. You deserve to be happy Toni. You have been through so much. But I deserve that too.’ Toni nods slowly, before pulling into Regan into a tight hug.

‘God, you’re even being cool about all this.’ Toni chuckles into Regan’s shoulder.

‘You know me, Shalifoe. Cool as a cucumber. Promise me one thing? Promise me you look after yourself. You keep putting yourself first. Whatever happens with us or with Shelby. You have come so far even since you first asked me out behind the bleachers. Don’t let anything ruin that.’

‘I won’t. I promise.’ And Toni means it. Regan gets up to leave, but before she opens the door, she looks back at the girl, who looks even tinier than normal alone on this big couch. ‘See you around, Shalifoe.’ She gets in her car, and turns the key. A familiar song comes over the speakers.

_If it don’t work out…. Then you can tell me goodbye_

She puts both hands on the wheel, leans her forehead into them, and can’t help but sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> choo choo here comes the sadness train again!!!!
> 
> sorry for no update last week, life got in the way. I know this chapter is a little short but I wanted to get it up and I don't want to rush the goodfoe romance so i feel this was necessary
> 
> as always let me know what you think in the comments!! i feel sometimes regan gets an unfair rep in goodfoe fics so i wanted to do her justice here but i am always interested in your thoughts!
> 
> one chapter left in this and i'll make sure it's a good un.


	5. your ivy grows, now i'm covered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a resolution.
> 
> seven years is plenty long enough to deny your feelings, don't you think?

_S._

Shelby stirs softly as her alarm blares on the nightstand to her left. She reaches a limp hand out from under her covers and shuts it off. Groaning, she sits up and slides out of bed, running a hand through her unkempt blonde bedhead. The truth was that Shelby had not gotten a good night’s sleep. For starters, she was up till 1am which for some would be nothing but the Goodkinds all needed 7 hours a night, it was in their DNA. She had lain down at 10.30 but couldn’t settle. As soon as she closed her eyes, she was met with the memory of Toni’s own looking back at her in the diner earlier, her small (but oh so strong) frame leaning over until their faces were inches apart. Needless to say, trying to fall right back to sleep was out of the question. Next, she tried mindlessly scrolling Instagram. It worked to distract her for a few minutes and Shelby could feel herself slowly starting to drift off. That is until she saw a video Rachel Reid had posted of herself and Toni after the game, still sweaty in their basketball gear. They were doing some stupid Tik Tok dance in celebration which is, objectively, not sexy. But all Shelby could look at was the vein on Toni’s bicep as she moved her arm in time with the music, and the baby hairs stuck with sweat to the nape of her neck, which lengthened as she laughed at the end of the video.

The warmth had been building in Shelby since the 4th quarter of the game when Toni sank the 3-pointer. It was becoming unbearable. Technically, the bible doesn’t say anything against the method Shelby used to finally get herself to sleep that night. Sure, it basically entirely depends on what it is you think of to help you… get there, but Shelby chooses to ignore that thought. It took a few goes but eventually Shelby felt that necessary exhaustion required to send her off to sleep. So caught up was she in the release of it all that it wasn’t until she was drifting off that she realised the third time, she had whispered Toni’s name into the silent darkness of her bedroom.

Shelby splashes cold water on her face, shocking herself out of her memories of the night before. She was already late for school, meaning she would have to ask her dad for a ride. As she stands in front of her closet, she reaches for the shirt that Toni had told her looked nice a few weeks before. Once she’s in the passenger seat with her dad, he glances over at his daughter.

‘That shirt’s looking a little on you there Shelb, what did you eat at the diner last night?’ He throws in a wink to make it look like he’s joking, but they both know he’s not. She just scoffs and shrugs her shoulders in response.

‘Use your words Shelby’ Dave snaps, immediately changing the atmosphere in the truck.

‘I literally didn’t eat anything Daddy, I promise.’ That was almost true. ‘It’s my, uh…’ Shelby pretends to be bashful.

‘Your what?’

‘My… time of the month.’ That shuts him up. Shelby can barely conceal the little smirk that appears on her face. She’d been getting better at these little rebellions. She knows on the teenager scale it was completely lame to feel a buzz off such an innocent white lie to a parent, but not all teenagers had a father like her. She makes a mental note to tell Toni later today at school. She would inevitably say something along the lines of ‘fuck yeah Shelby atta girl!’ or something equally crude that the blonde would dramatically roll her eyes at, even though both girls would know that she was actually thrilled at Toni’s praise.

‘See you later Daddy’ Shelby says as she hops out into the parking lot. She makes a beeline for homeroom, as she does every morning. Goodkinds are never late. As she walks in, she takes a seat in her usual spot and waits for Regan to arrive. She doesn’t think anything of it as the minutes pass by – Regan often scoots into the room within seconds of the late bell. Shelby starts to think something is up when the first period bell rings and there is still no sign of the girl. She knows she wasn’t feeling well at the game the night before, but it was unlike her not to give her a heads up if she was sick or running really late. She remembers that they have math first period, and she forgot to get the textbook out her locker before school, so she heads there on the way to class. On her way, she sees a familiar face walking in the opposite direction.

‘Hey, Martha! How are you?’ Shelby asks. Her friend is refusing to make eye contact, which is weird. Martha was normally so forthcoming in her affection – it’s one of the thing Shelby appreciates most about her.

‘Uh- I’m good, thanks. Gotta get to class.’ She makes to leave but the blonde shoots out her hand to grab her arm gently, stopping her in her tracks.

‘Have you heard from Regan? She wasn’t in homeroom and hasn’t text me anything.’ Martha’s eyes go wide, staring right at the other girl’s face, and she doesn’t answer. Shelby flushes with panic. ‘What? Do I have something in my teeth?’ Immediately she gets to thinking where the nearest bathroom is so she can sort herself out.

‘No! No… did Toni not text you?’ Martha looks almost as confused as Shelby feels.

‘No. God, is everything okay?’

‘You need to talk to her. I’m late for class. I’m sorry, see you later.’ Before Shelby can respond, Martha has scurried off down the corridor. Shelby stands for a second, students moving all around her. As she is processing the weirdness of the conversation she’s just had, something occurs to her. Toni has homeroom with Martha, and they’re in the same math class. But Toni wasn’t there. So Toni is skipping school too. What the _fuck_?

_M._

Of _course_ Toni hadn’t said anything to Shelby. She loves Toni as a sister, and will always defend her to the end, but God almighty was she capable of some stupidity. Martha couldn’t stop thinking about the events of the night before, so she could only imagine how Toni must be feeling.

She had been laying in bed scrolling through some make-up artist drama on Instagram when her feed was interrupted by a huge picture of Toni pulling a stupid face. She chuckled every time she saw that photo. It had really pissed Toni off when she realised her best friend had saved it as her profile picture. Martha answered immediately.

‘Hey Toni, what’s up?’

‘I’m on my way to your place, is that okay?’ Toni’s voice sounded thick.

‘Of course, my mom loves you duh.’ Toni breathed a huge sigh of relief and said she’d be 5 minutes, before hanging up. Within a few minutes, Martha heard a knock at her bedroom door, and she called them in. Toni stood there just inside her room, looking even tinier than usual with her head hung low and her arms wrapped around her own torso. Before Martha could ask what’s the matter, the shorter girl broke the silence herself.

‘Regan just dumped me, Marty.’ She looked up at her sister, gauging her reaction. Martha stared back at her, seemingly trying to do the same.

‘Okay…’ She patted her bed, signalling Toni to come and sit down next to her. ‘How do you feel?’

‘Wait why are you so calm about this?’

‘Why are _you_?’ Martha replied quickly.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Toni scoffed, immediately defensive.

‘It isn’t an accusation, Toni. It’s a question. You say you’ve just broken up with your girlfriend but you don’t seem like… bothered by it. And you’re a lot of great things T but calm and contemplative isn’t one of them. So I guess I’m just confused.’

‘I guess I don’t blame her is all. She…made some points.’

‘Like what?’ Martha already knew, of course she did. She knew Toni Shalifoe than any other person on this planet. Well, maybe with one exception. In fact, it was that exception that she knew, without Toni even mentioning her, had been at the heart of this drama. Not that she would ever have done anything herself, she was far too good for that. Ever since Shelby had come into their lives – well, come _back_ into Toni’s – things had started to change. What they had was different. At first Martha had been jealous herself. How could it be that this beautiful blonde angel from Texas swans in and takes up all of Toni’s attention and love and trust, things Martha had worked hard to earn from her friend over the years? But she quickly looked beyond those slightly selfish thoughts. Toni and Shelby were clearly a force, as close to soulmates as she had ever seen in people as young as them. But it was not her place to say anything. So she has been sitting, observing, and waiting, for months now. Waiting for this moment. Martha had sensed long ago the inevitability of it all.

‘She said that like… she that um- that I’ Watching Toni struggle was a little bit painful, but Martha couldn’t help but smile a little at the whole thing. Toni looked up and noticed. ‘What the fuck, Martha. This isn’t funny!’

‘No, I’m sorry you’re right. Carry on.’

‘So yeah, Regan said that like- that she had noticed me being a bit different. Like since… that our relationship wasn’t what it used to be…’ Martha couldn’t bare it anymore.

‘She said you look at Shelby the way she would want you to look at _her_?’ Toni just stared at her, dumbfounded.

‘Did she tell you she was gonna dump me?’ Toni was clearly trying to wrap her head round all this still.

‘She didn’t have to, Toni. I have eyes too. You like, _love_ love her don’t you?’ At that, Toni just nodded and leaned forward so her head rested against her best friend’s shoulder. Now the tears did start.

‘What am I going to do, Marty? This changes everything. What am I going to Shelby? “Hey, my girlfriend dumped me ‘cause she thinks I’m in love with you and I think maybe I am too but you’re straight and definitely don’t think about me in that way which is fine because I will take your company however I can even if it’s torture”?’

‘Okay, so. A lot to unpack there.’ There was a glint in Martha’s eye, not mocking, not at all – but certainly a suggestion that she was pleased this conversation was finally happening.

‘Not helpful, Marty!’ Toni replied, flustered, swatting at her best friend’s arm. ‘I’m serious, I can’t face losing Shelby. Not now I finally got her back.’

‘Who says you have to?’

‘I can’t lie to her. I can’t make up some bullshit to explain our break up. She’ll see right through it. She always does.’

‘Okay then, tell her how you feel.’

‘Are you outta your mind? I know Shelby has told you about her dad. He’s like major no-homo vibes. Yeah he seems nice but he is totally not.’

‘Toni, I know you of all people don’t need to be told that kids aren’t their parents.’ She could see that Toni was listening, that she understood. ‘And I know I’m by no means an expert on any of this stuff, hell I’m still waiting on my first kiss,’ Martha chuckled at herself, ‘but I do consider myself one of the world’s foremost experts in Miss Toni Shalifoe. And I’ve become pretty close with Shelby.’

‘And?’

‘And it is so obvious to anyone with eyes that Shelby likes you, you idiot.’

‘Wait… really?’

‘I would bet my entire piggy bank, which is currently sitting at a massive $47. But still.’ In that moment, Martha could have sworn she had never seen a smile so wide on Toni’s face in all the years she’s known her. They talked for another hour or so before Toni made her way home, after vowing to talk to Shelby the next day.

So Martha was a little disappointed in homeroom when she didn’t see Toni there. Now she sits at lunch with Shelby, trying to make small talk without making it obvious that she is avoiding the humongous Toni and Regan shaped elephant in the room stood somewhere between them and the lunch line. Martha is midway through a really tedious recap of her third period geography class when Shelby’s phone pings.

‘It’s Toni. She wants to talk to me after school.’ Shelby looks equal parts relieved and terrified. She is so busy wondering what on earth is going on that she almost misses Martha whisper a soft _fucking finally_ under her breath.

_T._

Toni is tapping her foot wildly against the leafy ground, the laces of her Vans bouncing up and down. Shelby had just text to say she was five minutes away. What the fuck was she going to say? She hadn’t bothered trying to rehearse a spiel, because she was self-aware enough to know that one look in Shelby’s green eyes would make her lose her train of thought completely. As if on cue, she hears a delicate voice clear her throat behind her. Toni in all her nervous energy whips round and actually catches the side of Shelby’s face with the back of her hand.

‘Oh, fuck! Shelby, I’m so sorry.’ She grabs each of Shelby’s hands and holds her steady, making sure she doesn’t fall. The blonde looks up, her eyes burning into Toni’s immediately. ‘Are you okay?’ Toni’s voice is full of concern, and Shelby is deadly silent for a few moments. The smaller girl is starting to really panic when she sees a shift in the green eyes opposite her, and Shelby bursts into laughter. Within seconds, Toni is chuckling right along with her. After a while, Toni remembers where her hands are and she quickly goes to move them but before she can pull away completely, Shelby grabs one of the brunette’s hands with both of her own.

‘Hey.’ Shelby opens, a blush suddenly blossoming up her cheeks. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Hi. Yeah-uh… yes, I am. Yeah.’ Toni can feel herself sweating furiously, she doesn’t know if she will ever be this nervous about anything ever again in her laugh. She takes a deep breath before she begins ‘There’s something I need to tell you Shelby. I probably should have told you a long time ago but I’m too chickenshit and I’m so scared right now but you deserve to know. I want you to know that you are allowed to react however you want to what I’m about to say, okay?’ Shelby just nods, suddenly terrified herself. Her heart is pounding so loud she wonders if Toni can hear it. ‘I need to hear you say it Shelby.’

‘Yeah, okay sure.’

‘Okay…. Okay. Regan and I broke up.’

‘Oh Toni, I am so sorry to hear that. Y’all were so…lovely.’ Shelby had wondered if that has what had happened. It made sense. But it didn’t explain why Toni had asked to meet her at the creek. Why would Toni think Shelby would react badly to that? It makes no sense. Shelby finds herself thinking ruefully, if only Toni knew how secretly giddy this news was making her. She knew that was unkind, immoral even. But at this point she was past caring. She is beyond exhausted from pushing down her own feelings for the sake of other people. Her dad, her church friends, even Regan.

‘Do you mean it?’ Toni suddenly looks at Shelby with more intensity than she had ever seen before. ‘Are you really sorry?’ Something clicks inside Shelby. _Oh my god_. Somewhere in a parallel universe is the sound of a penny dropping. Now it’s the blonde girl’s turn to inhale deeply.

‘No, I’m not. Not really at all.’ For a second all either girl can hear is their own heavy breathing mixed with each other’s.

‘Shelby, I… holy fuck I can’t believe this. I like you a lot. No that’s not even it. I love you.’ Toni looks right at her.

‘I love you too.’

‘No, Shelby, you don’t understand. I _love_ you.’ Shelby takes a step towards her.

‘I _know_ , and I’m telling you I love you too.’ At that, Toni feels the weight of the world fall from her shoulders. She’s barely aware she’s even moving but she pulls Shelby in for a bone-crushing hug. Shelby’s a little taller, has been since they were 6, and so she leans down slightly so that her face nestles into Toni’s neck comfortably. She could see that her breath was making the hairs on the back of the shorter girls neck stand up. ‘Hey, can I tell you somethin’?’ Shelby asks shyly, her Southern accent more prominent than usual.

‘Of course’ Toni pulls back slightly.

‘I think I loved you since the first time you took me here. Back when we were younger.’ All Toni can do is huff out a knowing breath. ‘What? Should I not have said that? I know it sounds crazy ‘cause we were just kids really…I’m sorry for making things awkward it’s just I-’

‘I _know_ I have loved you all that time too. Listen Shelby, I don’t want you to think I have brought you here to try anything on. I would never do that. I know you’re not necessarily comfortable with this whole thing. Just knowing you feel the same way has made my entire year, if I’m being totally honest.’ Shelby brushes a thumb against Toni’s cheek, in awe of the girl in front of her.

‘Thank you’ she almost whispers in response. ‘Do you mind if we just sit for a while?’ Shelby asks.

‘I thought you’d never ask.’ Toni checks her phone quickly. ‘Hey, guess what?’

‘What?’ Shelby asks as she sits down next to Toni, right on the edge of the creek, lacing the fingers of her left hand into Toni’s right. She gently rubs a thumb over the shorter girl’s knuckles.

‘It’s almost sunset.’

Sure enough, within minutes, the sun starts to dip down in the sky, bringing with it a range of warm orange colours, and even the slightest hint of green. Toni can’t keep her eyes off the girl next to her though, and thinks that maybe she looks prettier than ever before right now, like this, relaxed and smiling, her profile backlit by the beautiful display in the sky. There would be time for the girls to talk properly, to figure things out. To grow into each other and into young adults, navigating all the classic traumas and triumphs of high school together. Later still, they would have each other through real adult life. Shelby would have time to work on her own self-love, admit to Toni about all the times she had thought about her wiry frame and wild brown hair late at night, and they would have all the time in the world to explore some of those fantasies together. All that would come. But for now, all either girl needed was there in the moment. The promise of one hand clasped firmly in the other, the familiarity of their own secret spot in the creek, and the surety that they would always have each other, just as the sun would always set so beautifully there, forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we made it gang. i really hope you enjoyed it. thanks so much for all the lovely comments - i hope the ending didn't disappoint!
> 
> i realise they don't even kiss please don't yell at me
> 
> i don't have plans to add to this fic but i'm considering some oneshot AUs in this universe based around songs I like / think fit my version of shoni haha. they would all be like post-established relationship. lmk if that sounds like something you'd like to read!!

**Author's Note:**

> this is very sad but i have plans for it to get happier!
> 
> will end up being 4/5 chapters of friends to enemies (but not really) to friends to lovers goodness!!!
> 
> this is my first fic so im super interested in what you make of it - let me know in the comments :)


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